I am seriously damn bloody- and if profanities will convey the magnitude of this- fucking messed up.

I didn't mean to hurt him. Yet I can't say honestly that I regretted what I said, because I can't possibly regret expressing my true feelings. I really don't know.
He called me a liar. baby i'm sorry.

And now I need to search deep within me, to find what I want. It is in no way fair to him, I know, to punish him while I do my own soul searching, because one should not have to bear the brunt of another's neurotism.

But don't you see? I don't want to be in this just because I am too scared to hurt someone because I know how it feels like to be on the receiving end.

On the other hand maybe its not what I think, maybe I can put it down to simply the insatiable nature of humans? You'll never be happy with what you have, no matter how close it is to your twisted idea of perfection.
And I must confess that my eyes went moist when I thought about us, before all this started to happen. One incident I'll always remember is this one night when I had really bad period cramps. It was about an hour after we hung up to go to sleep, and I remember curling up in bed, unable to sleep. I picked up my mobile and called him; the phone rang for quite awhile before he answered, half asleep. I told him I was having bad cramps, and I knew he couldn't do anything about it, but I just called because I wanted him to (and knew that he most certainly would) fuss over me and tell me that everything would be okay, or sayang me, if you like.
He did. And after promising him that I would call again should the cramps persist, I fell asleep, contented.

So maybe there is still hope?