Suddenly I felt like the answers were staring right at my face. Maybe they were there all along, and I just chose to ignore it.


To cut a story short, I went for a talk on relationships, love and the like organised by the Overseas Christian Fellowship, whose meetings I attend. And the speakers weren't jaw-droppingly inspirational or anything, but after that I just felt like my head was much clearer. I know what is best for me now, and I know what I want.


Complete closure of the last chapter in my life first of all. I think that up till now, it has been a burden weighing me down and this I feel is emotionally detrimental to me. The feelings are gone, definitely, but I cannot, and will not (as selfish as it may sound) cater to his emotional needs anymore. Because its not going to do both parties any good. I want a clean break, and all this while I thought I was already starting on a clean slate- I was wrong. Yes we were supposed to be good friends; and I treated him like one. But I find that the relationship we have right now seems to be anti parallel. You know like the DNA double helix? One strand goes in one direction while the other goes in a different direction. There's no point in that anymore. The past might be something that I cherish, but I'm not living for the past. I don't know how you are going to deal with this- you can cry and scream at me all you like, but its a dog-eat-dog world isn't it, I need to do what's best for myself, not you.


Another point that I picked up from the talk was also that relationships and dating, as a Christian shouldn't be just for fun- it should be with a long term committment, perhaps leading to marriage, in mind. At first when I was thinking about it I was like wah lao please lah so serious until must think about marriage?! But I realised later on that its a sensible thing to do- maybe not to the point to think about marriage and kids and what not, but the next time I enter a relationship, it will be because I can actually imagine us in a long term committed and godly relationship. Right now I'm not prepared to be committed to anyone, which is why that day will not come anytime soon. (Ok and not as if there is a throng of admirers out there also). Believe me, I am SO FAR from being a pious Christian, because I question my own personal faith, and in a broader perspective, the very essence of creation, alot. But it is not as paradoxical as it seems. I just feel like it is the right thing to do. I just know it. So que sera sera. This sounds so holy I almost feel like I have no right to be saying it- but I will just put my life in His hands.



Anyways on to something else- I am going to Arundel for the weekend! I've never heard of it but apparently its a town south west of this country. I joined SPECTRUM, which is a charity run by the medical students in my school, where they link you with a disabled child and you bring the child out to the zoo or Macdonalds or something once a fortnight. So I'm going to Arundel for training! Hopefully it will be good.